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Archive for the ‘MOVIEs’ Category

NEW RIFFTRAX VOD

Posted: 23rd March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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When four hot air balloonists crash land on remote Frankenstein Island, one thing is certain: they have a dog named Melvin!

That’s about all we were able to figure out regarding the plot of Frankenstein Island. The rest is a glorious potpourri of insanity, including but not just limited to: jungle babes in leopard skin bikinis, a bedridden 200 year old man, zombie slaves, Kung-Fu, a brain in a jar, a confused John Carradine, a guy who looks like the protagonist of the fictional Twitter account DadBoner and a scene where a shirtless man injects a mannequin with a hypodermic needle. All things said, it’s a little less strange than The Room.

How did these men get here? What is the strange power that runs the entire island? There’s only 15 minutes left in the movie, is Frankenstein ever actually going to show up? Questions like these aren’t important on Frankenstein Island. How dare you ask them. Here, the bikini chicks are dancing with a snake now. Is that better? I thought so.

Mike, Kevin and Bill hop into a hot air balloon with Melvin (a pastrami sandwich), and head off into the wild blue yonder to riff Frankenstein Island!


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Prometheus

Posted: 21st March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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Yeah i know youve already seen it and im late…..so what watch it again…it rules


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Chernobyl Diaries

Posted: 21st March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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This looks like another found footage horror film, from the same creator as Paranormal activity. However about the only reason this stood out from the pack was that this one takes place outside of Chernobyl in the abandoned city of Pripyat…which (along with Centralia Pennsylvania) is my number one choice for an awesome vacation.


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Cabin In the Woods

Posted: 21st March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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Those who follow this publication recognize my descent from the nerd ranks with my Hatred of Joss Whedon and his “hip” dialogue, Alien movie ruining,cheesball writing, however i think he possibly may earn a little respect in my eyes with the release of his newest project Cabin in the Woods.This movie looks pretty awesome and is one of the few im looking forward to this year.


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Dark Shadows Looks TERRIBLE!

Posted: 16th March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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So i don’t know if Tim Burton was confused as to the difference between Dark Shadows and The Addams Family but apparently the Spooky soap opera has been re-imagined as a farcical comedy. Looks like Burton has joined the Director elite like George Lucas, residing in his own  little world devoid of any constructive criticism or anyone to tell them “NO”.


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More Chick Lit Crap than you can shake a stick at!

Posted: 14th March 2012 by Jon in IMAGES, MOVIEs
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When a young vampire American Gladiators hopeful is torn between her childhood satyr friend Bacchus and the hunky new centaur in town Cornelius, can she concentrate enough to complete her training and survive the  preliminary trials in order to save her still living sister from a life of heroin and prostitution?
THRILL at endless pining for hormonal loves lost!
BEWARE Bacchus as he attempts to steal your heart with his hand knitted hoof socks.
SQUIRM at the thought of Cornelius’ horse-like anatomy.
STARVE….For the Dawn


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SPACE NAZI’S ARE COMING!! Iron Sky

Posted: 13th March 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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I can not stress enough how stoked I am for this movie!!! Space Nazis with Udo Kier RULES!!


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50 Better things to do than see Phantom Menace in 3d

Posted: 3rd February 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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Lucas…are you really that stupid…EVERYONE hated the Phantom Menace the first time! WHY bother releasing it in 3D…You wanna know why..CAUSE ASSHOLES WILL STILL PAY TO SEE THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE!!! So in an effort to avoid Lucas making any more money off of this shit stain called a film I have developed a list of 50 things better to do than see Phantom in 3d. Please feel free to add-on in the comment section

  1. Homework
  2.  TPS reports
  3. go fishing
  4. hang drywall
  5. clean your gutters
  6. stare at a wall for 2 hours
  7. milk a goat
  8. Drink honey
  9. wait in line
  10. go to the DMV
  11. watch Lifetime channel (more…)

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You aren’t a cinephile unless you owned one of these!

Posted: 31st January 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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This was Pre-VHS, Pre-Beta, Pre-Laserdisc, and was my first movie collecting addiction. We had over 150 video discs including the Star Wars trilogy, The Rocky Movies, and Close Encounters…to this day in Empire Strikes Back when Yoda looks down after Luke enters the Tree of the Dark side on Dagobah I get an immediate nerve cue to get up and flip the disc (each side could only contain 60 minutes of content).

“What is this thing?” You  ask? Well it was the Capacitance Electronic Disc or CED; The first home movie viewing device post projecter developed by RCA in the late sixties, but not released to the public until 1980.

The format was commonly known as “videodisc”, leading to much confusion with the contemporary Laserdisc format. Laserdiscs were read optically with a laser beam, whereas CED videodiscs were read physically with a stylus, rather like a conventional gramophone record. The two systems were mutually incompatible.

The name “SelectaVision” was RCA’s brand name for the CED system. It was also used for some early RCA brand VCRs,and other experimental projects at RCA. Click ahead to see the How to video included with every Selectavision device! (more…)


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New Rifftrax: GhostHouse

Posted: 24th January 2012 by Jon in MOVIEs
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yes, Ghosthouse is a film about a dead little girl who has an evil clown doll that commands her to kill. That’s all well and good. But it’s the little things about Ghosthouse that really make you stand up and say “Wait, what?”

The star of Ghosthouse is a Ham Radio operator who, HEY GET BACK HERE!!! Anyways, this Ham Radio operator one day asks a fellow Ham Radio operator “Who is more popular in Denver, Kim Basinger or Kelly LeBrock?” This has nothing to do with the plot of Ghosthouse, but we just wanted to point out that this pressing question is raised in an actual movie at some point in time.

(more…)


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